Your evil twins and how to beat them - Steven Dowd
STOP! Don’t read on!
Instead I want you to take 90 seconds to think about a thing you MUST do right now.
Call that guy…
Fix that problem…
Buy that thing…
Read that article…
Could you come up with more than three or four and write them down as a shopping list? I bet you can, I bet you do regularly (even if only mentally) and I bet that list becomes overwhelming at times, right?
The overwhelm isn’t coming from the ‘To Do’ items themselves; they are just tasks around stuff. It comes from the pressure you, and society, place on you to do them.
It’s draining.
Studies into Neurolinguistic Programming prove language really matters! When self-directed, what we say and how we say it has a direct effect on our mental, emotional and physical well-being. The consequences aren’t just on our bodies. It affects our outcomes too.
It’s too simple to say negative words = negative effects and vice versa but it’s along those lines.
In the self-talk game, popping up all too often are evil twins you will recognise.
When you tell yourself that you ‘SHOULD’ do something it’s wrapped up in who you, and society, believe you are as a person. You’re comparing your action or inaction to how someone like you, with your morals and values, would behave. A ‘correct’ response. Alternative responses or mistakes are deemed failure.
‘SHOULD’ carries lofty expectations.
When the self-talk is that you ‘MUST’ do something it serves to underline the fact that you haven’t yet done the correct thing, don’t really want to do that thing or perhaps believe you can’t. Not doing it nor doing it quickly enough is also deemed a failure for which you punish yourself.
‘MUST’ carries heavy guilt.
Neither bolster self esteem, make you feel good nor energised, so reframe and change the language to change both your narrative and your outcome.
When formulating my keynote I went deep into how I approached recovery from neck-down paralysis; where my C.H.A.L.L.E.N.G.E. methodology derives from.
The final ‘E’ is ‘Ease Up On Yourself’
As I lay in an intensive care, just a pair of eyes on a pillow staring up at ceiling tiles with a bleak prognosis of ever moving again, I was forced to face horrific facts, ask very uncomfortable questions of myself and make brave decisions.
Whilst I was deeply scared and my options were limited I faced a binary choice:
1. Turn to face the wall and check out. “This is too big to overcome and I don’t have the will or skill to beat it.”
2. Turn to face the challenge and engage with my new facts. “There are things I can’t do and things I can affect so let’s set goals and work toward those.”
Both were legitimate choices. I chose the latter.
It started with my left thumb
Staring hard, I tried and failed a thousand times to get it to move. I gave it all I could with no result. I noticed my hope of moving again ebbing so I had a word with myself, out loud, as if I were my own best friend in the room giving advice.
“You’ve been at this for hours. You’ve tried really hard. Well done! We’re not there yet but we’ll keep trying. If it can happen you’ll make it happen. Have a rest. We’ll pick this up again later when you can give it your best.”
I rested.
That afternoon I tried another focussed session. A few fails in, my thumb twitched! A moment that caught me by surprise. I immediately redoubled my efforts.
“The fact is I made this happen. I did this. I can do this again!”
With the right mental attitude supported by the right language and by being easy on myself in the downtimes I created space for a win.
What’s your biggest challenge at the moment? How are you approaching it?
Work with FACTS not fictions…
Out with SHOULD and MUST…
In with CAN and WILL…
Best of luck! Let me know how you get on.